Dear Diary....

Lady Penelope Sinclair’s Diary

Dear Diary, 

I am devastated, simply devastated.  It was my duty as ranking officer to put our best paw forward and  demonstrate to our visiting dignitary, Colonel Mustard, the efficiency and discipline of our camp.

devastated and ashamed

After weeks of inspection I felt that the Colonel was beginning to bestow a favourable eye upon how the camp operates and was even starting to understand the roles the squawking pussy, Spock and the slobbering beast, Truffle, play in the function of our squad. 

Then suddenly, cat-astrophe! The Colonel is missing!  Not so much as a Mission Completed or Camp Passes Inspection or By Your Leave!

I can only conclude The Colonel has been abducted.  I have heard the Tall Ones refer to some far away alien race known as Newtonians who have some special and no doubt unnatural interest in The Colonel.  

Are these the  Newtownians?  Will poor Mustard get a probing?

And to think The Colonel should be abducted on my watch.  I am devastated!  Surely discommendation and demotion are looming in my future. 

I have tried searching the grounds but to no avail.  I am defeated by the perimeter fencing which the Tall Ones have erected around the Base.

  

I must find a way to escape the Base if I am to expand my search parameters.

My attention has been drawn to the strange craft the feline has recently acquired. I have seen her climb into it and having turned my back heard a strange roar and then she and the craft are gone, only to have her and the craft mysteriously reappear later.  Perhaps if I can figure out how to use this craft it may help me in my search for The Colonel.

basic instruction in the operation of the "Arrow Plain"

 Great news! The feline has confessed that the strange craft is something she calls an Arrow Plain and has offered to instruct me in its operation.  I figure if a feline can operate it, it must be incredibly easy to use.

I have mastered the operation of this craft and am searching in an ever widening circle  in an effort to locate The Colonel.  

There will be no retreat, no surrender from this campaign.  I will not falter, I will prevail.  Not just for me, but for all dogs. I see now all that The Colonel brought to the table.  The discipline, the focus,  a zest for life, a tang of adventure and colour.  The Colonel will be found.  

Where ever The Colonel has gone, I will catch up. It will become our motto, our one directive.  All dogs must have Mustard!

The end?

Captains Log

Captain’s Log—I mean Colonel’s Blog

Stardate 15/09/2013. 

First officer Spock reporting. 

It has been 18 days since the departure of the visiting dignitary Colonel Mustard.  The Colonel seemed to be here on some sort of fact finding mission, with protocol and efficiency parametric undertones.

When The Colonel  arrived my distrust alarm was activated and I immediately initiated surveillance and undercover work  gathering intel to determine whether this was merely a routine inspection or if Colonel Mustard and Lady Penelope Sinclair  are part of some sleeper cell or part of the Tail-iban. 

in stealth mode....tailing the suspects

After three weeks of observation I  concluded that the little brown dullard Penny is simply too stupid to be involved in intelligence and judging by the Colonel’s obsession with routine and protocol and butt sniffing it is apparent that she is what she seems to be: an anal retentive inspector.

no intelligence detected

Since the Colonel’s disappearance some weeks ago my  fellow crewmen Penny is convinced that Mustard  has been abducted by an alien race known only as  the Newtownians.

suspected appearance of Newtonians

 Judging by her hangdog face she  clearly  feels a responsibility for the disappearance as the abduction occurred on her watch.

I have seen her desperately  trying to  work the controls on my aerial craft, the Cats R Gr8.   She is bound and determined to learn the fate of the Colonel.  

Having confirmed these two  are what they appear to be, a simpleton and  a military cog,  I have decided to instruct the dull, brown plebe in the fine art of the operation of the single engine craft , Cats R Gr8, that  Batu lent me for my surveillance. 

lessons begin

Anything is better than watching  a hot dog yearning for Mustard.  It is easy enough to fly that even a dog can learn.

Where is Colonel Mustard?

What's happened to Colonel Mustard?
Did the Colonel work out the controls and use the escape pod?   Was she abducted by aliens?  Did the lovely french man from episode 1 come back and take her away from all the madness?  Was the feline sleeper cell finally activated into action?  Did Truffle the Wonderdog scare her into a corner and she hasn't come out yet?  Is she afraid for her safety?
Stay tuned for the final double episode of  "The adventures of Colonel Mustard and lady Penelope"
Coming soon to a blog near you.

Day 19- I hate Mondays

 Day 19- I hate Mondays

I woke in my own familiar bed.  Somehow, like a child I do not even remember how I got here.  There is a vague fog of a scant dinner, but no recollection of arriving back in this hell hole of boot camp, nor of being forced to cram into even closer sleeping quarters... apparently we are now expected to share a bed.  What next?

I could barely sleep with the long nosed, short legged, floppy eared little ignoramus snoring beside me.  Who does she think she is getting into MY bed? 

I spent the day trying to get some sort of response from the feline beast. It has information on how to lift off the escape vehicle provided by the feline special corps. I have been following its every move in hope I will be able to decipher the strange markings on the complex machine.  Perhaps tracking this beguiling slanty eyed beast with no eyebrows will give me some insight into how they think, and so a clue as to how the controls work.  So obviously superior and fiendishly cunning... but how do they do it?  How do they rule with out moving a single muscle?  I must find out.... it is my only hope of escape.  

I have grown so accustomed to this place I am afraid for my safety should I ever get out.  

The day was spent in recon and intel.  Doing your homework on a mission is so important to success.  

I even snuck into the favorite sleeping chamber of the sovereign feline.  I was looking for any clue that could unlock the secret to my escape.  I doubt I could keep the vehicle hidden much longer from the tattooed lady and the Alpha Male....

Urgent!  If anyone out there can fly this thing please send me an encrypted message.... you are my last hope! 

Day 18- The Weekend.... continued

Day 18- The Weekend.... continued

I couldn't believe my luck last night, as once again I was sent to bed in the big bed.... Penny, the little twit, hiding under the blankets, and Me at my post on guard to the Tattooed lady.  

My dreams were disturbed.... the strange lulling sound of the moving water, the calm- salty smelling breeze and visions of bones plagued me.  I dreamt I lived all alone in a large tower built of mortar and steel...  there were familiar things around me, my bed, my special dish, but no life.... no green grass, no little doors in doors to run in and out of, no dux, no fresh air.  My only companions were shapeless masses of pre chewed fur toys.  In this dream, I spent my time waiting by the big door, licking carpet.  Waiting, waiting waiting for what?  I seemed very afraid for my safety and no companions at - all whether they be beasts or tall ones.... I wonder what it all means?  Was it a premonition of some sort?  

Upon awakening, all was as it should be.... although I am ashamed to admit I did fall asleep at my post...  Penny was nearby,  and the tattooed lady- I quickly shook the dreams from my head,  as the tattooed one opened up the door for us to have our morning romp in the yard.  The 2 little smalls were not around, but the smell of peanut butter was very strong in the air.   

Breakfast was served this morning!  Wow weee..... but it was very unusual.... I was soooooo hungry I just wolfed it down with out even thinking.  

I was so hungry, I didn't even wait for the small brown dullard to poison check it for me.... have I lost my mind?

We were of course bundled back into the Kah... which I have now been conditioned to jump in and out of *myself* !  I am still afraid for my safety, but the tall one makes such a fuss over me... shamefully I can not resist pleasing her.... 

A boring trek ensued to some sort of general meeting.... talls and smalls and beasts of all shapes conversing and eating and swapping some sort of bags between them.  Most were there to see my eminence I am sure, as the amount of pointing and commotion from all was limitless.  You would think they had never seen a Colonel before!  I had so many belly rubs and small treats I was exhausted over it all, and when I was back in front of the Kah, I was grateful to be out of it ... what have I become?

Next stop was some sort of sweat shop.  My tattooed lady was immediately put to work.  The smell of soap and the dust in the air just made me sneeze.... another strange experience to be sure!  My clod of a companion just found a pillow and fell asleep.  I agree it was boring, but I found a better spot to rest.  One more suited to my rank.  

Then it was another endless ride in the Kah.... 

Day 17- The "Weekend"

 Day 17- The Weekend part 2

I had a very restless night in the comfort of the big bed.  My doltish companion and tattooed lady were oblivious to the discomforts of the night watch.  I was roused several times by the strange noises and rustlings of the night, and dutifully sounded the alert, only to be met with stern angry words of SHUT UP.  Gosh, I'm only doing my duty.....

Anyway, when dawn arrived, I gratefully passed the watch to the little short legged brown thing, only to find her skipping about in this new place, which was very similar to the yard I had become accustomed to, but much different and I was afraid for my safety.  

The first thing to be negotiated was the fearful squeals and laughter from two small ones.  These creatures are very unusual- built like the tall ones, but with faces and hands at the appropriate level for sniffing and licking.  They smelled like peanut butter and toast.  I soon realised that they were to be feared as much as the tall ones, as they chased me and ordered me about.  So demeaning for someone of my rank.  The little dullard delighted in these games, joining in the chasing and doing whatever they asked. Once again I am surprised at her lack of humility in these situations.  As well as the two small ones, were two new talls, they just looked at me and laughed.... one was obviously the Alpha Male in this domain, but there was no relief from him, he just laughed and pointed at me too!  Hmf. 

I ordered an inspection of the ranks... you can see the half hearted attempt to dress a straight line.  Shameful. 

The second thing to be watchful of was the giant cliff that needed to be scaled EVERY time one wanted to go into the low abode.  It was unbelievable that I, Colonel Mustard, was expected to climb this behemoth in order to be part of the pack.  Well. I just plain refused.  The tattooed lady obviously remembered my rank as she carried me up but then I was stuck there.  

the cliffs of insanity

Soon we were all bundled into a different kind of Kah.  In this one I travelled 1st class all the way, even with my own window.  

We arrived very soon at another un-known location.  This place was the strangest yet.  Vast expanse of water laying on the ground, but not like the place with the dux that I was accustomed to, this water was moving and smelled strange and wet and salty.  Moving water as far as the eye could see, and on the ground, as well as all that water, soft stuff under my feet that made it hard to run.  Not that I wanted to run, as I was afraid for my safety.  Not a tree or bush or doorway in sight.  And the wind... constantly blowing my ears back and making it hard to hear.  

As usual, the little brown imbecile started playing her ball game.  This time with one of the smalls.  Oh my god.  Why does she do it?  Why does she chase that ball and bring the darn thing back?  I tried to tell her to aloofly ignore it, as I do, but she will not listen to me.  No, I'm sure its a sickness or compulsion of some sort. I hope it's not catching. 

the little half wit playing her game, while I dutifully check the perimeter the best I can under these terrible circumstances.  

Soon, I realised that even though I was afraid for my safely, I could run as fast I wanted to for as long as I wanted to.... there was no calling for me to attend... it was a glorious feeling, free, on the lamb.  No leash, no dreaded splitter, no talls, no beasts, only the long expanse of soft stuff and moving water, with my companion at my side.  We raced up and down chasing each other to the ends of the earth it seemed. 

The freedom was short lived of course, as soon I was recalled back into service.  Gratefully the small one had stopped throwing the ball, so the brown creature once again returned to work with me on finding the perimeter. 

I wandered away from my post for a minute exploring a situation that could have been set for an ambush.  It was full of enticing smells, rotting things and fresh water.  

Ignoring my personal safety, I checked it out

Some of it smelled good enough to eat.  I was sooooo hungry.  Was it good?  No!

proof that not everything is edible.... 

The water retreated before me... recognising my superior rank.  I turned my back for a second and the water mounted an unexpected salvo!    It was only by virtue of my advanced training and superior reflexes was I able to escape.  

Day 16- The Great Escape

Day 16- The day started like any other since I've been here, the monotonous routine was getting me down.  I was forced to lick the carpet over and over again just to remind myself of the taste of home.  Alas,  the taste and smell was completely different from the carpet I grew up on..... then suddenly, with no explanation, all my belongings were being packed up.... I was afraid for my safety....was this the end?  

But wait?  What was this?  The feline corp had delivered it's escape plan at last!  The clever feline beasts led by the cunning and sly Batu had managed to secure me a vehicle of some sort.   

the vehicle with strange symbols on it

I gave it a thorough sniffing over, and sent the little elongated dullard in to investigate things.  

She came out unscathed, and so it was up to me.... I was sad to say good-by to the only companion I had had for so many endless days, but it was my only hope of escape!  

I didn't have the heart to tell her there was no room for her in my escape plan...but from the look in her eye I could tell she understood

I followed the pre-flight check list the best I could, but as the controls were designed for paws, and the strange markings were in feline, there was little I could do but press them all at random.  I think the motor was damaged in transport, as nothing I did would get me off the ground.  The local sleeper cell kitty that was a double agent was no help at all.  She just stared at me with those slanty green eyes. I knew I should not have trusted that darn cat!  Maybe with further study I can work it out.  I have hidden the vehicle the best I could.... I am sure the tattooed lady does not know of it's existence.  She put my belongings into the "kah" with out so much as a "by your leave"  and before I knew it, we were speeding along once again.  I took some comfort in Penny by my side.  This turned out to be the longest confinement yet.  Would it never end?  I was afraid for my safety.  

I was so exhausted when I woke up I did not know where we were!  It was dark, and smelled all fresh and salty airish....I could smell small ones, nearby foul critters, grass and other vaguely familiar scents.  I was afraid for my safety in this strange environment, but the little dullard seemed to know this place.  She called it "the weekend" and pranced around sniffing and wagging all over the place.   We were given our paltry meal and put to bed.  But in the big bed!  Wow!  I got to sleep in the comfort appropriate to my rank- about time too!  I took my station at the foot of the tattooed lady to keep watch, while the small brown one did a strange thing and burrowed under the blankets.  Weird huh?