Sunday, 11 August 2013


DAY 1 -  I woke up in a strange new world!!!

I was inside a vessel of some sort, one I had never experienced before. It was loud. A strange tattooed lady tried to make me leap from this vessel - I feared for my safety, so I resisted. She lifted me to the ground, as befits my rank, and before me was a quaint, low abode - how odd? Where is the elevator?? Where is all the concrete? What is this green stuff under my feet???  And that smell - is this what they call "Fresh air"?? I'm so confused.

A small beast greeted me at the door - I feared for my safety.  I later learned her name was Lady Penelope SInclair. She was a strangely elongated being, with very short legs - shorter than mine, even! She sniffed my butt - unbelievable the behaviour of these rural types - dont they know I'm a Colonel???

The dwelling was filled with strange things, tall beings and other creatures of unknown origin. The tall beings made quite a fuss, I'm sure they'd never met a ranking officer before. The service was poor, and the lodgings worse. Forced to share a room with the elongated beast - how humiliating!

DAY 2 -  I arose to the sound of the whining of the beast, and a strange twittering noise that seemed to emanate from the giant pot plants outside the dwelling. Released from my jail, and taken outside - before I knew it - without my leash, mind you!!!

It seems to me I have been posted to some type of boot camp, and like boot camp, there was no breakfast - mmmmmm  - disappointing.  I was forced to negotiate strange obstacles, like a small "door within a door" made for my own personal use! Feathered squawky creatures filled the air, (I feared for my safety). Lady Penelope paid no mind to the feathered twitterers, so I followed suit. Strangely, the tattooed lady appears very happy when I relieve myself upon the strange green stuff - she is an odd one! Just as I was settling in to this very open world, a giant steel monster came hurtling across the landscape - mere feet from where I stood! I feared for my safety - none of the other beings even flinched. Wonder if I'll ever get used to this??

The strangly elongated "Lady Penelope Sinclair"

Boarding the large blue vessel again, the tattooed lady pressed the lift off button, and my whole life flashed before my eyes!!! I feared for my safety. She continues to call this contraption "The Kah", but I'll be damned if I will jump in and out of it at her command!   I AM A COLONEL!!!!  I fear for Penny's intelligence - the little dullard obeys without question.

At last, the "Kah" halts, and we are surrounded by vaguely familiar sights and sounds. I am so relieved to find that when the tattooed lady lifts me from the kah, there is concrete beneath my feet! Ahhhhhh Blissssss! And retail properties all around - I smell coffee - but alas, not for me. The tattooed lady now expects me to abseil a mountainous series of vertical rises, leading to a town she calls "upstairs" - I feared for my safety, but it smelled good, and I felt I needed to protect the little dullard, who charged up with no fear! I followed, but with extreme caution.

At this strange location, I was fitted with a new uniform. A pink diamonte strap that went around my neck in a most peculiar fashion. The lady is under the misconception that this could be used as a restraining device - how little does she know of my military training? Much fuss is made, pats are recieved, so I accept the trinket (for now!). Penny is fitted with a similar device, but hers is red - obviously to indicate her lower rank. Then, back into the Kah - I fear for my safety.

Security camera footage of one of my escape attempts - these fools think this collar device will restrain me!!!

I have discovered that in this strange world, they do not keep their water inside a silver tap device, they have it lying about all over the place! We visited such a place, where my leash was once again removed - I feared for my safety! Are these people utterly insane!! Penny was happily chasing her ball - she plays a stupid game where they throw it and she brings it back to them. Why, I ask, why??? But wait, out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of something small and buoyant, creeping up on us, stalking us! I fear for my safety, but I leap into action to protect the little dullard!  The battle with the enemy continues right into the body of water, but I soldier on bravely through it. The tattooed lady admonishes me for scaring the "dux"??? , but I am  a warrior, and would never shirk my duties to protect these beings, even if they are all idiots!

Back at the lodgings, they finally provided me with a meagre meal - in small  ceramic bowls - I feared for my safety, but ate it nevertheless. I must keep up my strength to carry me through my next series of trials and tortures. Other tall beings arrive, and they bring with them something horrible - it makes my blood curdle to just describe it here! Picture this, it is huge, with long loping legs, that seem to spindly to carry its great bulk, and it thrashes violently from place to place, with no concern for what may lay in its path. Gallons of slobber exude from its beastly jowls, and I cower under the lounge - fearing for my safety. Penelope is truly retarded, she does not even try to shelter from the wake of the great beast! She even seems to LIKE it!!! Oh my God, what insane world have I entered????  

The beast -  I find out later it goes by the hideous name of "Truffle (the wonder dog)" -continues its onslaught of slobber and bounce. At one point, Penelope leaps to defend my safety, and I feel a little more secure (although I fear for my safety, continuously, that goes without saying) I am forced to march out into the open once again, with this strange group of beings, and settle into soft, comfortable warm laps - ahhhh - for the first time in twenty four hours. Maybe my torture is coming to an end??No, I spoke too soon, for before I know it, a giant square searchlight floods around me, and loud amplified sounds come from all directions, whilst the beings just stared - seemingly transfixed at this strange screen. I fear for my safety, and bury my head under the blanket. Ohhh, sleep, please come soon!

DAY 3 -   My wardens have lessened the rate of torture, and the tattooed lady lay in her chamber for a long long time. This allowed me time to reconnoitre the war zone, and plan an escape route. I dont know if I can convince the jackass Penny to come with me, but I'll surely try! Utilising the door within the door, I was able to venture into the green zone surrounding the dwelling. Penny seemed content to sit in the sun, but I was pacing the perimeter. All of the strange creatures are still about, but I must be brave. I start on my hunger strike - refusing  to even sniff my dinner. You never know what they may be slipping into the food - Penny gobbles hers unwittingly as usual - the fool!!! 

Mercifully, the day was uneventful, however the tall being did subject us to more torture in front of the giant screen later on in the afternoon. The blankets were still there, so thats OK. I'm just biding my time.......  I settle into my hovel of a bed, still forced to share a room with the elongated Penny every single night. She snores. I dont know how much more of this I can take...... must..... sleeeeeeep....

DAY 4 -   The tall male creature woke me, as seems to be the tradition in this world, the females stay long in the bed! Food was placed before me, but my resistance was low, I choked down the dry kibble and prayed there was no poison, or truth serum, in it. I feared for my safety, as the tattooed lady lifted me once again into the kah, and to my utter distaste, when we stopped, the gargantuan Truffle beast lept in beside me - could this get any worse?!! The horror! We travelled once again at the speed of light across the landscape - I whimpered a little whining song as we travelled - these fools think I am their friend - I'm just wearing them down. I have even trained Penny to whine like a soldier - she is such a gullible beast.

We arrived at an incredibly windy place, with a chalet like building on a precipice. Strangely, the tall beings sought sustenance here!! Other beings were inside the building, but I have garnered enough intelligence to realise that my captors are of a lower status than most, and were not allowed to dine inside with the other beings. Faced with yet another unscaleable tower of rise upon rise of vertical climbs - I refused point blank. I feared for my safety, the ground was clearly visible meters below my feet. My resistance was contagious, and the other furry beasts followed my suit - yes, at last, camaraderie! They all refused to negotiate the steep climb, making life very difficult for the captors. One of them seems to be wounded - with a gammy arm - mmmmm yes, today may be the day!

After an intense struggle, the tall beings managed to tether my two furry companions to the tables at this outdoor feeding station, but for some reason, they allowed me to roam free??? They must have sensed that with my supreme intellect and great rank, that I would remain calm. (besides, I feared for my safety every time I even got close to those "stairs" - who invented those things?? We certainly dont have them where I come from ! We are civilised - we use a lift!) Every time one of them left, I took advantage of the fact that we had only one guard, and I whispered to the others, Penny and Truffle, that they should whine and bounce, and scream out like banshees! I, of course, remained calm, only speaking occasionally to whine some orders to the lower ranking beasts. If I can only get these ignorant beasts on side - there is a chance for escape!

Look closely - cunningly, I utilised the great size of the beast to shelter me from the elements - whilst I hatch a plan!

If this horrifically windy location was not torture enough, the tall beings carried me off to another location - towering walls of rock overlooking an alien landscape. All manner of strange beasts wandered on its green surface, and other creatures filled the air. The tall beasts seemed happy, and snapped photographs of me and Penelope and the idiot Truffle. I feared for my safety, there was clearly no escape route possible. To make matters worse, they compelled poor Penny to drag me along, attached to a torture device known as "The Splitter" - she does their bidding so unquestioningly - I had no choice but to follow her, scraping my delicate undercarriage on rough rocks! Mother??? Father???? Where are you? Why have you foresaken me? No, I must remain strong, for I know they will return to rescue me  - some day.

As if all of this was not enough - we had to visit the lake - AGAIN - for more idiotic ball games!!! AT one point I actually found myself chasing it - I am so ashamed. I quickly regained my senses, just in time to try to make contact with an unwitting traveller from a foreign land. He spoke to me in French, and I tried to sneak away, but alas - I was foiled by the foul weather, and the incredible tattooed lady again - yes, I was carted off again to the dwelling.....mmmmmm..... the  pain of it all.....

 If you think my descriptions of the horrible lodgings of the previous night were bad, you will be astounded to see the utter squalor into which I am plunged for my sleeping quarters tonight! I am forced to sleep with not only one, but two commoners! (One of them a great hulking beast) I pray silently, and plot my escape in the silence, comforted only by the warm blankets and central heating, tomorrow is another day..........

The hideously cramped conditions in the sleeping quarters


  1. LOL! Colonel Mustard, you must assert your authority. this is the only way you will survive this boot camp. I will be checking in regularly to give advice....I can be your Chief Counsel for this military exercise...Best Wishes, Batu xx

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  3. Dear Batu, thank you for your support, even though I can see from your picture you are from the Feline Corps. I have much respect for the FC authority in these matters, you guys all seem to know how to manipulate these strange creatures to do your bidding. You must teach me these methods. Your words give me strength to carry on, 
CM PS don't be fooled by the moniker... it is me CM, using a pseudonym so my captors don't realise my true identity.